Q&A with Sarah Schieber
Author of
“A Journey Called Grief: A Month-by-Month Reference for those who Grieve”
Q: Talk about what happened to your husband.
A: My husband Chad and I were running the Chicago Marathon when he collapsed and died on the streets of south Chicago. He was only 35 and the picture of health at 6’2”, 165 pounds. We had no idea there was anything wrong. He had an undiagnosed genetic condition called Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome. We were literally living the American dream when Chad passed away. He had just been named Officer of the Year for the City of Midland, Michigan Police Department. I had just released my first solo album. We were planning to go into full-time marriage ministry. Our children were thriving – Abbi was eleven, Noah was nine, and our youngest, Micah, was just six. The shock of losing him so suddenly was absolutely gut- wrenching. Trying to walk my babies through it was awful. I became a 33-year-old widow and a single mama in one heartbeat.
Q: It has been over a decade since your husband died at an early age. Why did you decide to write this book now?
A: The subject matter wasn’t exactly easy. I started compiling my journals for the world to see about ten years ago. Through the years since, our life has become happy. Going back and revisiting the pain in a way that I could lay it out, analyze it, and then offer hope to hurting people through my pain . . . that was a really emotional process. I was almost done with all of it when Covid-19 hit. Not knowing where the world or my ministry was headed at that point, I set it aside until now.
Q: The book contains your personal journal entries. Why did you feel you should share those?
A: I was still weeping eight months after Chad died and I often thought I was losing my mind. I wanted to know if I was normal, but I couldn’t find someone else’s journey to validate my own. I eventually realized that my journals were a treasure for other hurting people and that I had written the exact thing I had sought after during my time of need. I was a strong woman of God the day Chad died, yet I struggled so very much in my faith in the days after his passing. I can’t imagine a baby Christian trying to walk their faith out after a tragedy. So, I put myself out there. The real, raw, totally transparent version of what wrestling with God looks like… and the hope of Who God is to us through our sorrows.
A: My husband Chad and I were running the Chicago Marathon when he collapsed and died on the streets of south Chicago. He was only 35 and the picture of health at 6’2”, 165 pounds. We had no idea there was anything wrong. He had an undiagnosed genetic condition called Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome. We were literally living the American dream when Chad passed away. He had just been named Officer of the Year for the City of Midland, Michigan Police Department. I had just released my first solo album. We were planning to go into full-time marriage ministry. Our children were thriving – Abbi was eleven, Noah was nine, and our youngest, Micah, was just six. The shock of losing him so suddenly was absolutely gut- wrenching. Trying to walk my babies through it was awful. I became a 33-year-old widow and a single mama in one heartbeat.
Q: It has been over a decade since your husband died at an early age. Why did you decide to write this book now?
A: The subject matter wasn’t exactly easy. I started compiling my journals for the world to see about ten years ago. Through the years since, our life has become happy. Going back and revisiting the pain in a way that I could lay it out, analyze it, and then offer hope to hurting people through my pain . . . that was a really emotional process. I was almost done with all of it when Covid-19 hit. Not knowing where the world or my ministry was headed at that point, I set it aside until now.
Q: The book contains your personal journal entries. Why did you feel you should share those?
A: I was still weeping eight months after Chad died and I often thought I was losing my mind. I wanted to know if I was normal, but I couldn’t find someone else’s journey to validate my own. I eventually realized that my journals were a treasure for other hurting people and that I had written the exact thing I had sought after during my time of need. I was a strong woman of God the day Chad died, yet I struggled so very much in my faith in the days after his passing. I can’t imagine a baby Christian trying to walk their faith out after a tragedy. So, I put myself out there. The real, raw, totally transparent version of what wrestling with God looks like… and the hope of Who God is to us through our sorrows.
Q: What did you learn about God through the grief process?
A: I learned that God’s faithfulness has nothing to do with us or the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with Him—who He is in us and through us when we struggle. Somehow, we have made God’s faithfulness about us . . . “the biopsy came back negative, God is faithful.” No, my friend. My husband dropped dead; God is faithful. When we can make statements like that is when, I believe, we truly know the heart of God.
Lamentations 3:19-24 became one of my greatest lessons learned in grief. It talks about God’s faithfulness to us in our grief, literally. The word “faithfulness” literally translated from the Hebrew in that verse means “steadiness.” God’s faithfulness doesn’t mean we will live a life without sorrow and pain. It means that He will be our steadiness in the pain and through the pain. Somehow, in America, we have made God’s faithfulness to be about us. A good life. A “blessed” life. But that isn’t at all what the Bible says. The Word of God tells us that in this life we will have troubles but that we can take heart! He has made a way. God IS our steadiness when we press into Him. That is what I learned about God through a long, long process of wrestling out my grief and my faith.
Q: What advice would you give to parents like you who are left to raise their children after a spouse dies?
A: This might be the hardest question I get asked. The pain of watching your children hurt magnifies the pain of losing a spouse. On top of that – the energy it takes to be a single parent is overwhelming and consuming. It was the hardest job I have ever had. Children can’t process the whole of grief. Adults may see the big picture; kids can only see the moment they’re in. So, they process little-by-little. For example, the moment I found out Chad was dead I knew that someday I would have to get Abbi down an aisle without her daddy. She was eleven. That was nowhere near her thoughts. When it was finally verbalized by Abbi as a teenager it was very painful. Noah turned ten a few months after his daddy died. It was like a bullet hit him that day when he realized his daddy wouldn’t be there for any of his birthdays…ever. The pain was awful.
I share in the book about a very wise woman who spoke into my life after Chad passed away. My kids weren’t doing well. Grief in children often manifests itself in other ways like belly aches, headaches, anger, attitude, fear. I kept carting my kids to Christian counselors. She advised me to find a grief specialist for children. She counseled me that my kids already had a solid foundation regarding faith issues because of the atmosphere in our home. This was not the time to teach them the tenants of faith but to give them solid grief tools that didn’t have anything to do with ‘faith.’ She was right. I truly believe that in the church we worry so much about bringing them up right and instilling the right things in them that sometimes we, as the adults, miss the bigger picture. My kids needed solid coping tools that could help their little minds process—not a bunch of big theological words or platitudes.
I would recommend to any parent that you try to keep life as normal as possible for your grieving child. I almost moved to Nashville a year after Chad died. My career was very clearly heading in that direction. I picked out a lot and a house to build, but when it came down to it, I just couldn’t uproot my kids from the life they had known and their support system. I had a song, Christmas in Heaven, chart on Billboard and become a top 15 single on the National Christian Radio charts. I needed to be on the road to really make a go of it, but I just couldn’t do that with three grieving children at home. They needed me to be their rock, their constant. Inasmuch as you can as their parent, try to keep life as normal as possible for their already tremendously shifting world.
Q: You later remarried. What would you tell widows who wonder if they will ever love again?
A:. I married a man about two years after Chad passed away. I came home from our honeymoon with bruises on my body. Fourteen months later he broke one of my fingers and I had him arrested. That entire journey is also in the book with a warning to widows. Be careful. You WILL love again but be very careful in the process. I went on to be alone for a good long time after that divorce. My pastor walked me through my divorce in a way that protected my ministry biblically.
About five years later, when I wasn’t looking for it and really didn’t want it, a wonderful man came into my life. Bryan and I are about to celebrate our seventh anniversary. It hasn’t been easy. I think I could legitimately write another book about loving after loss, but we fought through those hard years and are now absolutely loving our journey together. My husband is such a gift to both me and my kids and I am truly so grateful to be his wife. Chad and I grew up together. We were young and almost formed each other. Bryan and I were 40 and 50 when we got married (HE was 50…let’s just be clear about that 😊). We were both very set in our ways and our expectations of a marriage. It has taken a while to meld into one another. But unity in Christ and glorifying Him is our goal and with that comes beauty. So, for any widow wondering, love is out there. Heal your heart first, then let it come to you. Don’t chase after it. Fall totally and completely in love with Jesus in the meantime. That is the best medicine for a lonely heart. And please remember – NO man completes you and NO MAN gets to tell you who you are (or are not)! Your identity is found in Christ. You are a daughter of the Most High King!
Q: What do you hope people going through loss will learn from your journey?
A: I really think my book is as important for people who support grieving people as it is for the grieving one. As Christians, we preach grace but then eat our own. I had verse-toting believers lining up at my door trying to tell me to put a happy verse on my pain and get over it. Grief is a process. A long one. I talk a lot in the book about the fact that we need to get better, as a body of believers, at climbing down into other people’s pain and sitting in it with them. Stop trying to pull people out of their pain—instead walk through it with them. That is what God does…He walked WITH me through my pain. The people who made the biggest difference in my grief journey were the people who were just there. Some held me as I wept – even eight and ten months later. Some took my kids to doctor appointments or gave them rides to practices, some brought food. They didn’t expect anything from me. They told me my job was to grieve and they helped take care of the daily functioning of our lives. That is what being Jesus to someone who is grieving looks like.
I pray that people will see from my journey that God IS, in fact, good. Even, and especially, on the worst days of our lives. I also hope that people will see that you can heal, and you can have a full and wonderful life after losing a loved one. You never, ever forget. In fact, time actually gives you back your memories. And in time, your heart can heal and be happy if you allow yourself to go through the hard work of grieving.
A: I learned that God’s faithfulness has nothing to do with us or the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with Him—who He is in us and through us when we struggle. Somehow, we have made God’s faithfulness about us . . . “the biopsy came back negative, God is faithful.” No, my friend. My husband dropped dead; God is faithful. When we can make statements like that is when, I believe, we truly know the heart of God.
Lamentations 3:19-24 became one of my greatest lessons learned in grief. It talks about God’s faithfulness to us in our grief, literally. The word “faithfulness” literally translated from the Hebrew in that verse means “steadiness.” God’s faithfulness doesn’t mean we will live a life without sorrow and pain. It means that He will be our steadiness in the pain and through the pain. Somehow, in America, we have made God’s faithfulness to be about us. A good life. A “blessed” life. But that isn’t at all what the Bible says. The Word of God tells us that in this life we will have troubles but that we can take heart! He has made a way. God IS our steadiness when we press into Him. That is what I learned about God through a long, long process of wrestling out my grief and my faith.
Q: What advice would you give to parents like you who are left to raise their children after a spouse dies?
A: This might be the hardest question I get asked. The pain of watching your children hurt magnifies the pain of losing a spouse. On top of that – the energy it takes to be a single parent is overwhelming and consuming. It was the hardest job I have ever had. Children can’t process the whole of grief. Adults may see the big picture; kids can only see the moment they’re in. So, they process little-by-little. For example, the moment I found out Chad was dead I knew that someday I would have to get Abbi down an aisle without her daddy. She was eleven. That was nowhere near her thoughts. When it was finally verbalized by Abbi as a teenager it was very painful. Noah turned ten a few months after his daddy died. It was like a bullet hit him that day when he realized his daddy wouldn’t be there for any of his birthdays…ever. The pain was awful.
I share in the book about a very wise woman who spoke into my life after Chad passed away. My kids weren’t doing well. Grief in children often manifests itself in other ways like belly aches, headaches, anger, attitude, fear. I kept carting my kids to Christian counselors. She advised me to find a grief specialist for children. She counseled me that my kids already had a solid foundation regarding faith issues because of the atmosphere in our home. This was not the time to teach them the tenants of faith but to give them solid grief tools that didn’t have anything to do with ‘faith.’ She was right. I truly believe that in the church we worry so much about bringing them up right and instilling the right things in them that sometimes we, as the adults, miss the bigger picture. My kids needed solid coping tools that could help their little minds process—not a bunch of big theological words or platitudes.
I would recommend to any parent that you try to keep life as normal as possible for your grieving child. I almost moved to Nashville a year after Chad died. My career was very clearly heading in that direction. I picked out a lot and a house to build, but when it came down to it, I just couldn’t uproot my kids from the life they had known and their support system. I had a song, Christmas in Heaven, chart on Billboard and become a top 15 single on the National Christian Radio charts. I needed to be on the road to really make a go of it, but I just couldn’t do that with three grieving children at home. They needed me to be their rock, their constant. Inasmuch as you can as their parent, try to keep life as normal as possible for their already tremendously shifting world.
Q: You later remarried. What would you tell widows who wonder if they will ever love again?
A:. I married a man about two years after Chad passed away. I came home from our honeymoon with bruises on my body. Fourteen months later he broke one of my fingers and I had him arrested. That entire journey is also in the book with a warning to widows. Be careful. You WILL love again but be very careful in the process. I went on to be alone for a good long time after that divorce. My pastor walked me through my divorce in a way that protected my ministry biblically.
About five years later, when I wasn’t looking for it and really didn’t want it, a wonderful man came into my life. Bryan and I are about to celebrate our seventh anniversary. It hasn’t been easy. I think I could legitimately write another book about loving after loss, but we fought through those hard years and are now absolutely loving our journey together. My husband is such a gift to both me and my kids and I am truly so grateful to be his wife. Chad and I grew up together. We were young and almost formed each other. Bryan and I were 40 and 50 when we got married (HE was 50…let’s just be clear about that 😊). We were both very set in our ways and our expectations of a marriage. It has taken a while to meld into one another. But unity in Christ and glorifying Him is our goal and with that comes beauty. So, for any widow wondering, love is out there. Heal your heart first, then let it come to you. Don’t chase after it. Fall totally and completely in love with Jesus in the meantime. That is the best medicine for a lonely heart. And please remember – NO man completes you and NO MAN gets to tell you who you are (or are not)! Your identity is found in Christ. You are a daughter of the Most High King!
Q: What do you hope people going through loss will learn from your journey?
A: I really think my book is as important for people who support grieving people as it is for the grieving one. As Christians, we preach grace but then eat our own. I had verse-toting believers lining up at my door trying to tell me to put a happy verse on my pain and get over it. Grief is a process. A long one. I talk a lot in the book about the fact that we need to get better, as a body of believers, at climbing down into other people’s pain and sitting in it with them. Stop trying to pull people out of their pain—instead walk through it with them. That is what God does…He walked WITH me through my pain. The people who made the biggest difference in my grief journey were the people who were just there. Some held me as I wept – even eight and ten months later. Some took my kids to doctor appointments or gave them rides to practices, some brought food. They didn’t expect anything from me. They told me my job was to grieve and they helped take care of the daily functioning of our lives. That is what being Jesus to someone who is grieving looks like.
I pray that people will see from my journey that God IS, in fact, good. Even, and especially, on the worst days of our lives. I also hope that people will see that you can heal, and you can have a full and wonderful life after losing a loved one. You never, ever forget. In fact, time actually gives you back your memories. And in time, your heart can heal and be happy if you allow yourself to go through the hard work of grieving.
About Sarah Schieber:
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Author, speaker, singer, songwriter Sarah Schieber is the author of the new book "A Journey Called Grief" and has released three full-length music albums. After studying Music Business and classical voice training at Anderson University, Sarah was part of the southern gospel group, Sojourn, before setting a course for a solo career. She released the radio single, "Christmas in Heaven," one year after her husband’s death which became a top 15 song on the national Christian charts and a top 30 on Billboard. Sarah has shared the stage with artists and speakers such as Sandi Patty, Nancy DeMoss Woglemuth, Michael Card, and Ruth Graham, among others. Visit http://www.sarahschieber.com for more information.
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